I think those four words sum up my existence as of late pretty well.
I’ve had the flu for about a week now. I’m absolutely exhausted. I’m doing better than I could be, since the doctor put me on zpac and steroids, and gave me a note excusing me from work the rest of the week. I go back on Tuesday. The sleep has been nice, but the single day paycheck that I’ll be getting on Friday won’t be.
The unmotivated part has been plaguing me a bit longer than the rest of it; I’m not sure when it started, to be honest. I only noticed it about two weeks ago- I’d set a goal at the beginning of the month to get all of my worldbuilding stuff done so I could begin the actual writing/editing on the first of June, but I realized the other day that I keep staring at it and not getting anywhere. I start to think about it and my mind shuts off, and suddenly I’ve been watching That 70’s Show reruns for two hours, or whatever other crap is on.
The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve noticed that I’m feeling the way I normally do in the fall; I want to sleep, a lot. My eating habits have started to switch to summer habits- I am eating more than I do in the winter- but not that much. (Though I suppose that is okay anyway, since I can’t rely on my metabolism forever.) There’s a little voice in my head that wants to write, that wants to read and be creative and get my room cleaned and all that, and somehow it just keeps slipping to the wayside.
I keep rewriting this paragraph. I don’t like how it’s coming out, and it keeps changing, but it isn’t quite right. Does everything that I’ve noticed over the past few weeks sound like depression? Well, yes. But I was diagnosed with depression back in high school, so this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. But what does it mean? Either a) because I’ve been focusing on work, I haven’t been focusing on my methods to cope with my depression or b) my methods are failing me, and I need new ones.
I am inclined, for the moment, to go with a. I think I’ve been so busy keeping my head in the job (because it does require effort, for a terminal slacker such as myself) that I haven’t really focused on anything else. I haven’t been reading all that much, though I’ve bought a bunch of interesting looking books. I let my writing projects sit forever, because I’ve been tired. The cleaning…well, I procrastinate about that anyway, but it’s gotten worse because I have so little time to myself (as compared to prior to having a full-time job). I’ve been making excuses about my work-work so I don’t have to do me-work, which is not acceptable.
I’ve started using Tasks in Google Calendar (because I love pretty much all things Google, and god knows to-do lists are some of my favorite things)(to compile, at least)(oh and apparently parenthesis are pretty awesome too) so I’m going to do my best to keep on top of things. Small, achievable goals is the key. “Keep room spotless” is not something I can achieve. “Tidy papers every Wednesday” is much more realistic. So little goals it will be.
I was about to tack on a “In other news…”, but it’s occurred to me that I don’t really have any other news. I’ve been working. Oh! I’ve been getting things prepped to return to school, but it looks like it isn’t going to happen until August. I was supposed to be starting in the May mod, which begins on the 26th, but there were some financial aid snafus and now it’s a few days before, the school is closed Monday and I’m not even registered for classes. So while there is the slightest, smallest chance that I’ll be in class on Tuesday night, it’s far more probable that I’ll be starting August 24th. Which is also okay, because I will at least be starting.
You know, there was something else I was going to mention, and now I can’t remember what it was. Gah! I hate that.
Does anyone out there have an iTouch? Is there a way to pay for internet access so you don’t have to rely on finding free wireless? I’ve searched the apps store but have come across nothing. I want an iPhone without the phone part, basically. Oh well.
I have recently become addicted to Orville Redenbacher’s kettle corn. I don’t even like kettle corn, normally, but it’s so tasty! I blame Amy for introducing me to it.
I think I’m done with the inane babble for now, and I will try to update soon (if there is anything worth updating about!)
// Kat
